IT'S A RANT!!There are many, many great and loving men out there...Thank God...but let me say...This Rant is for the women who can't say what they are thinking. I've bitten my tongue, many a day, when I've heard men call their wife "the old lady" or when I've heard men talking about their divorce being valid because "she won't clean" or "she didn't even have dinner on the table."
Yep, this one is for them.
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The topic of "who wears the pants in the family" came up at one of our recent Mom's Night Out at Starbucks. Remember that this MNO is comprised of Christian Homeschooling mom's; most of whom do not work outside the home or work part-time.
Everyone talked about the man being the head of their home. I agreed that the man is supposed to be the head of the home. The statement I made that turned a lot of heads was this...
"We are to be a man's helper. He needs to know how to DO everything in his home INCLUDING dishes, laundry and changing diapers and we HELP him throughout our lives as the needs arise."
At first there was a joint laughter that quickly turned into looks of "Oh Crap! She's serious!"
So I ask you...Am I rewriting rules or am I right?! Here are my thoughts.
The man is the head of the household in a marriage. Women were made to be helpers to men. Gen. 2:18
There are many men who go out and work and bring home the money. There are many men who expect their "woman" to have his dinner on the table and the house clean when he gets home.
I don't disagree with that thought, however here's the rub...
In many households...THE MAN, goes to work in the morning, works hard, comes home, eats, chats, watches some TV, gets laid, goes to bed.
THE WOMAN, gets the kids up in the morning, gets them off to school or teaches them at home, cleans the home, shops for groceries, balances the checkbook, trains/parents the children, helps with homework, deals with the school/curriculum, answers calls, keeps the household calendar of events/family functions, shops for clothes, takes out the trash, mows the grass, goes through the mail, pays bills, returns phone calls, deals with the insurance company, takes children to medical visits, remembers to make appointments for dental, eye and annual medical exams, washes/folds/puts away laundry, services the husband, wipes down the toilet, tub and vanity as she cleans up for bed. She may even wipe down the mirror..then she goes to bed.
In many households...
THE MAN, goes to work in the morning, works hard, comes home, eats or makes dinner, chats, watches TV, gets laid and goes to bed.
THE WOMAN...place the list for "the woman" in the first scenario here LESS making dinner on some days.
In many households...
THE MAN, goes to work in the morning, works hard, comes home, eats or makes dinner, throws in a load of laundry, chats watches TV, gets laid and goes to bed. (he is an awesome husband that women brag about, by the way)
THE WOMAN, place the list for "the woman" in the first scenario here LESS making dinner and a load of laundry BUT ADD works full or part time, takes child to daycare and picks them up, wipes their nose, listens to them cry to and from daycare, gives child a bath, wipes down bathroom floor and wall so people don't slide to their death after the kids bath, services husband, (or gets laid if he's good) goes to bed.
THE POINT IS...
WHO is the helper in most families and who is the head of the household?
Sure there are those women who say they are "happy" to do the "wifely" duties. It makes them feel "whole" and "complete" to "do this for their husband." Let me paraphrase this for those who do not know what those words actually mean...
"I think this is what I'm supposed to do because somewhere along the line a man behind the pulpit said so and my in laws and parents bought into it and I don't know how to change this so I'm making lemonade with the lemons."The bottom line: Women are not supposed to do it all. We don't have to be slaves just because a man is bringing in the money to our household. We are supposed to be helpers. A man SHOULD know how to run his home...ALL OF IT.
If he isn't rearing his children, wiping their butts, doing ALL household chores at one time or another then he has NOT mastered his home and cannot be called the master by any means. Remember, we are talking about the HEAD of the household..Head of the family. When he gets a handle on the duties involved with that, he can then claim rights to that title. Until then he's the bread winner. A bread winner is not the Head of anything my friend. A bread winner is a mere laborer at best.
If he can't run the house without his helper, does that make him the head of the house? I'm thinking no. If he has it in his heart to expect his wife to do all of this, what does that say about his "love" for his wife?
I've seen this over and over again. I've heard men talking in my father's businesses throughout my life...when they don't care that little ears can understand too...about their wife who can't cook or their woman who didn't even have food on the table when he got home. I resolved that they do not respect their wives as people. He was hoping to marry a worker, not a wife.
Being a "help meet" is about sharing in responsibility. During the weeks/months of marriage when a man is working hard and NEEDS his wife to cook and clean, then fine, she can totally do that. When work gets easier for him and he's able to help around the house, then he should totally do that!
There are too many women trying to be a "help meet" who have actually become a "help slave." The woman's self worth is shattered, her life is quickly used up and spit out before she knows what's happened!
SHE is supposed to be a child of God, not a slave to her "beloved."
Somewhere along the line, some women have become slaves and/or begun using their "help meet" status as some kind of manipulation trick to "get their husbands to love them." There is never a shortage of men and subservient women to champion the help meet/slave trumpet. There are many books out there to "help" women get their "heart right" so they can enjoy scrubbing toilets and waiting on their husbands, hand and foot...but I think I'll steer clear of those. Life is too short to be a slave.
I prefer being married to a strong man who knows all about his family and home. I prefer to ask what he needs to be done THIS WEEK (so I can do it for him and our family) rather than submit my entire life to diaper duty and zombie-like, ritual service. My husband prefers to have a best friend and lover rather than a toy to be guilted into sex out of "duty to his need." What utter non-sense!
Let me tell you what, men! You cook dinner for your wife, or do a load of dishes or fold a pile of laundry and see how fast her clothes fall off. And if you happen to scrub the bathroom sink, toilet and tub...whoa baby! Hold on, 'cause you're going for a ride!
Meet eye to eye for 15 minutes each Sunday. Pray together and ask each other what your needs are for the coming week. Look into your wife's eyes and tell her that you need her, physically...this week...more than once. It will get her attention...and give her something to think about during the days ahead. :o) (Here's a little secret guys. She needs to be needed just as much as you do. It's when she feels "used" that sex becomes scarce.)
It's not rocket science here, guys. Respect and love go a long way in a marriage! If you help your wife around the house...YOUR HOUSE...she will feel your respect. Men, you were made strong! You can handle ALL of your household. She can help you...H.E.L.P....you.
But, if you're a crappy husband....she can do it without you. (just so you know)
To those women who have been dumped because you weren't "good enough" in your marriage, I want to give you hope. There are real men out there. They do exist. Don't settle for less. You deserve better.
STEPPING OFF MY SOAP BOX
*Note: I know what the head of a household looks like because I am one of the very blessed women who have one. My hubby is the head of this household and I am so very grateful.
7 comments:
This is so accurate because I know with how much I did before, when I was in the hospital DH did not KNOW how to do a lot of the things that had to be done. Yes, he can do laundry, dishes and care for Lauren, but he had to bring me my computer to get the bills paid. I love him dearly but when I was unable to do the "wifely" role, he couldn't just step in and finish it.
If you only knew the day, week, heck the year I have had, you would know why I wish I could hug your neck for writing this.. I really struggled this morning and stopped myself from writing the entire rant that I wanted to about my husband. I may write it yet, before the sun sets on today. I am just so frustrated with the way he thinks things should be in the household and how unfair he is being and I know that most of his attitude comes from the way he was raised and the roles his mom and dad played in their marriage.
I'm one of the lucky ones that has a husband that will help me when I need it. He'll admit that he doesn't always know what needs to be done....but he always will ask what he can do to help, especially on the weekends when I am working. We've always said we are a team, and that is how we've made it. He can do dishes, wash a floor, clean a tub and also do his "manly stuff". And I love him for it. It makes our relationship within our marriage easier and stronger and my 2 boys can see that it is not beneath their daddy to do chores that help mom out! Thank God for giving me him.
Thanks Shelly for a great "rant"!!
hmm
My thoughts are this:
1. Managers and CEO's in the business world do not necessarily need to know what their workers do. Of course, managers are more respectable if they do know, but they do not necessarily need to know. My husband doesnt need to know how to scrub a toilet in order to be the head of the house.
2. I agree with some of your assessments and I have been in the place in my marriage where I am exhausted, cannot figure out how to do it all, and have a husband come home to a house that isnt exactly a haven for him, and he has been unfair about it, making me feel badly.
3. I dont know very much about what my husband does. I wouldnt be able to fix anybody's computer the way that he does. I cant help him with what he does either.
4. I always understood the whole helpmeet thing to mean that I help my husband BY making his home a haven. I do do the bulk of the work around the house (exept my husband pays all the bills. I wouldnt know where to begin!) My husband does change diapers or cook or clean or whatever from time to time, but when he gets home from work, it is true that all he wants to do is rest. I think I would too. In fact, this week is VBS and just dropping the kids off and picking them up has me really tired and in "veg" mode when I get home.
Im going to have to chew on what you have said here for a while.
Yay! An open, respectful discussion. :o)
Okay, Emily, this is where I'm coming from.
Firstly, I do not think it is wrong for a woman to clean and take care of the home IF that is what she and her husband have agreed upon, HOWEVER I do believe it is emphatically wrong to have this notion imposed on women who are trying to live according to scripture. Why?
#1. I cannot find a Bible verse that states we must make a "haven" for our husband. That's not to say we shouldn't but women like to have a haven too. :o)
I can however find verse after verse where the husband should know everything about His HOUSEHOLD as should the woman. He IS the head of the household and the buck stops with him but he's not to be a loveless dictator. See below...
Ephesians 5:25 tells us: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”
Christ knows everything about his church and can do it all. He loved us so much He died for us. If anything He is to make a "haven" for us just as Christ did for the church.
The scripture begins with Ephesians 5:21 stating: "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God."
We are to submit ourselves to one another.
The passage ends with this statement: Ephesians 33 "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife EVEN AS HIMSELF; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
Would Christ make his church do things that He Himself would not do? No. He was even Baptised. He did it ALL AND Died for us.
Genesis 1:27-28 – “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.’”
Men and women were made to have dominion together, working TOGETHER IN ALL THINGS to make their household strong. (Adam and Eve's house was the world in the beginning, right?) Again, Eve wasn't there to make a haven but to work alongside Adam.
As far as knowing what your husband does for a living..."his job" is not your household.
Again, we are not slaves we are to serve EACH OTHER willingly.
So those are my thoughts. What do you think?
Just happened by your site today - and like it - thought I would pop in with a thought -
You said in response to Emily K .... As far as knowing what your husband does for a living..."his job" is not your household.
You are correct -BUT .... his job is an integral part of your household. His job and the income generated by it enables the household to run. Without his job bringing in the money - the household could cease to exist.
I envision the head of the household first and foremost to be the glue that holds everything together spiritually. The leader, the one who we look to for the tough decisions. Not what toilet to clean on what day. That is the homemakers decision.
It seems to me you are talking more about chores and responsibilities around the house - and you are right, those should be shared. I am very thankful for my DH who does share in those responsibilities - because there was a time when he lost his job.
I was a SAHM for 13 years (with a BFA and MS in education and dual permanent certification to be a general elementary school teacher grades K-6 or and Instrumental / Vocal music teacher grades K-12) ).So, I was the one who was able to go out and get a job that earned the money to sustain the household, while he took over the home role.
The head of the household role - didn't switch. He was still the one we looked to for direction and decision making.
The homemaker/breadwinner roles switched. And boy did I struggle with that. When we had company on the weekend, he was talking about the menu and what to serve. It was EXTREMELY Challenging for me.
He did find another job - but in order to stay in the area we love - it was at 1/2 the original salary - and so I have continued to work full time to. But we share all the household responsibilities. He is the laundry man, and makes the kids lunches, and drives them to school and does all the outside work. I fill in all the other gaps.
I think this discussion is more about semantics.
First you need to define the term head of household.
I think the head of the household you are talking is all about chores and physical household responsibilities.
Again - When I hear the term Head of Household, I am thinking the spiritual leader major decision maker (who will often bring others into to the decision making process when it affects everyone)
Sorry to take up so much room - I have a hard time saying things in a short and concise way.
Thanks for a good discussion!
Hi Valerie,
I agree with you wholeheartedly. The spiritual leadership is exactly what Christ is speaking of when speaking about the Head of the Household.
In the beginning of my post, you will see a disclaimer. As the words flew out of my fingers to write this blog post, I was thinking about those men and women who mistakenly assume that the "Head" means that the woman serves the man.
I grew up in Southern Ohio and Northern Kentucky where this thought is/was very pervasive. The woman is very often brought up to believe that she HAS to do all of the household chores, rearing of children, cooking and service her husband, regardless of her needs. It is assumed in many households that the man goes to work and comes home to be served.
The scripture is twisted in such a way that women become slaves to men. Then, if she decides she need a break and doesn't accomplish her household "duties" she is made to feel ashamed and less of a Christian.
There are women who go to Christian counselors and/or pastors to "find out what is wrong with them." Many are told that they have to "get their heart right" and come back to Christ so they can serve their husband as Christ intended.
THIS is the mythology that I'm trying very hard to touch on with this tiny little post. I am trying to open the eyes of at least one woman who is being abused and made to feel inadequate and/or a sinner. Slavery is not Christ's design....it is mans. Literally...a man's interpretation.
I feel like I'm rambling. I've said all that to say, Thank you for bringing out the point of my post. I totally missed the opportunity to bring out the basic thought which is, The Head of the Household IS first and foremost a Spiritual Leader.
Shew... I don't know how to shorten up my thoughts either! LOL
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